One of my daily destinations is a guiding web page called New Life. A very simple design containing five key concepts integral to my new self. These are Sleep, Fancy Dresser, Grooming, Focus and Freedom.

Of all these, freedom, the most etherial has shown itself of late. For brief interludes yes but a perfumed breeze of moisture is far more than sufficient for a fremen. Invigorated and renewed I find it easy to continue the journey knowing that no matter what happens, I chose the right path.

Much of these feelings are thanks to my new freelancing lifestyle. I choose what I work on, who I work with and have no obligations as a provider until I choose to accept them. Thanks to careful selecting, everything I work on is a tremendous learning font. Each hand crafted creation empowering me with abilities needed for my lifetime goals. No effort wasted, a perfect journey!

When I was a child freedom meant my huffy bicycle. Now that I am older, more nuanced and most importantly, know myself, freedom is so much more. Still, a simple picture of open skies, a classic muscle car and an airport runway evoke everything I need to ascend into the feeling of freedom.

Freedom must be different for each individual but for me, I know what it is, I have tasted it and I will work for it. When it arrives, we’ll go for a drive together. Two old friends reunited at last and with no guilt for the past.

The open road calls. Won’t you join me?

Very much in my own personal style and flavoured with naval metaphors. Yum!

Letter of Resignation

This letter is official notice of my resignation. My last day will be July 26th, 2011.

I came to Mercy as part of an elite team of handpicked individuals under the leadership of the great Fernando Martinez. The goal, to turn Mercy around and become a shining beacon of the latest technology.  It worked too. We had virtual servers, full system encryption, intrusion protection and more years before anyone else. A golden age of tech.

Rough times were coming though. Economic hardships, budget cuts, management changes and other hardships. Fernando and the team saw that they would be forced to make compromises if they stayed so they rightly moved on to new projects and challenges outside of Mercy. A few of us stayed though. For very different reasons I’m sure.

For me, the mission wasn’t complete yet. I would be crafty, work harder than ever before,  use open source software and do everything in my power to keep Mercy cutting edge. It didn’t work out quite as planned. Information Systems lost people and resources while gaining more responsibility. Soon it was all that we could do but tend to a once beautiful ship, tossed and broken, lost in the high seas with no shore in sight.

Fast forward to today and the ship is docked in the kingdom of the HCA. She is being patched, has new crew and officers getting ready to sail to new lands.

My modified quest is now complete and I’m very proud of my time here. I’m especially fond of all the smart people I’ve worked, played and lived with. You shall be remembered.

Soon I shall be off to new Freelancing adventures and doing what I love the most. Working with technology and making people happy.

May the wind always be at your back and your crew by your side!

^_^

Daniel Gagan
PS – Fun fact, I was born on July 26th at Mercy, hired years later on the same day and now the circle will be complete as my last day will be that very special date.

I enjoy obsession. It heightens the experience, unlocks edge abilities and provides clarity of purpose. Like any state, it can be taken too far but with understanding it can be transformed from affliction to strength.

I started World of Warcraft in the beta, many years ago. Before that the strategy games and in one particular modem game even told my future wife I loved her for the first time. Warcraft as you see is very much a part of my history.

The game totally catered to my personality. Obsession with game mechanics, leveling, gearing up and endless side goals took their toll. With increasing focus came new levels of things to tweak, endless rewards for a brain that liked certain buttons pushed.

Even worse that the addiction to the game was the reliance on the game in order to socialize with my friends. It didn’t matter if I got bored of the game, how could I leave my friends? So I would stay a bit longer… maybe it would get better.

But it didn’t. My level of obsession meant overplaying and burning out. It happened many times. Enough that people would joke, “oh, when are you coming back” and “oh, when are you leaving again”.

The problem with “quitting” WoW was that I wasn’t. I was postponing, delaying and pausing. Like a reformed drunk who still keeps his liquor cabinet stocked, secured with the flimsiest of locks. Always there… waiting for that tiny moment of failure.

So after a time, I would feel good again. I could try World of Warcraft again but this time I’d be reasonable. Maybe only an hour a day.

A month later and I’d be raiding, grinding, dying in real life while my avatars gained everything. Seven to eight hours a day and more on the weekends. A horrible cycle I was deathly aware of yet powerless to break out of.

I’d improved so many aspect of my life. A tireless optimizer born from a dysfunctional past. Why couldn’t I break free of WoW? I had made such wonderful gains during my frequent excursions. I wanted to do more, so much more.

The revelation that followed was completely devastating.

After recovering from the initial concept everything became clear. A proper conclusion to WoW. The ending I never had before. Such a simple gesture would set me free.

Getting my virtual affairs in order was a calming. A wonderful time to reflect on all I had done. Soon after, I made sure everyone knew my plans. I would be deleting all my characters. I would not be coming back to World of Warcraft. Reactions were, as you might expect, mixed.

Some people were supportive, others baffled and a few were oddly quiet. I recognize the last state as a valid tactic for dealing with pain so no hard feelings.

It became an event. Come raid with Poof one last time. Come PvP with Foof to celebrate our time together. Come take a screenshot and say goodbye. It was a lovely time of talking, merriment and a celebration of adventures together.

Each one of my characters received their own special ending. Each one a part of my personality and deserving of their own finale. Screenshots of these moments bring me great joy when I reminisce.

Looking back no longer evokes a time wasted, it conjures pleasant memories, shared experiences and pride for all the people I met. So many things we did and so many good times we had.

Looking forward, my gaming experiences do not weaken like I had feared. In fact, they strengthen me.

When you see me coming, I could be Poof the Druid, Foof the Warrior, Old Snake, Commander Shepard or any number of personas that are part of me.

I am a hero, I always was and now that I know, I always will be.

Sincerely,

Poof · Foof · Soof · Daniel · Odn · Shepard · Spock · Sgt Dildo · ForestMist · Neptuna · Old Snake

One of the pleasures of maturing is an increased awareness of self.

Relaxation, meditation, life experience and even strenuous physical exercise all garner more understanding. Through them you’ll learn your strengths, weaknesses and core desires. After that, a calming sense of self which aids you in all your tasks.

Gains are usually incremental but occasionally something spectacular will happen.

Poof lay still, the springy couch pushing back up against his rather long body. His mind was drifting quite pleasurably, thoughts flowing fast, free and without judgement. An addictive state which he was well aware of enjoying.

The pace did seem to be accelerating though. “Ah, well“, he thought. The all consuming mental fire that could come next was also enjoyable even though it would leave him consumed and tired.

Something was wrong though and in a blinding flash… a revelation. Too clear to unsee, too simple to deny, all at once beautiful and abhorred.

“No!” he gasped as his torso shot up from the couch. He couldn’t breathe. Time seemed to drag on then after a short eternity…  a breath… then another.

Normality slowly, painfully returned as he spat “no” several more times. Each utterance with less venom than the last. It seemed to satiate him. A last act of rebellion against destiny revealed.

He knew that to have a chance, a real chance at life he would have to set in motion the unthinkable.

“Poof must die” he said with the gravitas of a thousand Sean Connerys.

I was saturated with requests but unlike previous years, there was no hope to catch up during typically quiet winter months. Working harder wasn’t the answer either. There is a certain unefficiency and dulling of the mind that comes with inhuman hours. No, the answer would be startlingly similar to a recipe from ”To Serve Man”: add more humans.

Unfortunatly there was a hiring freeze at the time. Volunteers woudln’t cut it either. No, I needed someone who could put in enough quality time to offset the allotment I would surely invest in them. Someone to toil over the horseshoes while I forged a mighty blade in the blazing heat and fierce colds of the server room. An apprentice!

The idea seemed like a perfect fit since I was already fielding web questions and assisting others with various side projects. Surely one of them would be suiteable and have a yearning for learning. So, I drafted a proclamation with an easy challenge and waitied with careful interest to see who would rise to this unique opportunity.

Two weeks later and nary a nibble.

I was ill prepared for the cornucopia of calamity which followed my failed squire search. Lay offs, forced days off , slashed budgets, added duties and more unbearables. This led to the great demoralization of the “survivors” which further shreded any vestigial feelings of hope I still harbored.

Quite some time has passed since the decumbent epoch. I am no longer demoralized, depressed or even depraved (unless it’s a real happening party). No, I’m resolute and proud of all I’ve accomplished. I’m even hopeful for the future again although I know my path lays with another company.

Somewhere out there is a group of free thinkers, hard workers and dress code violators. I hope to join them soon and together we’ll make wonderful websites.

Yes, I admit it… *cries* …I am the proud owner of an iPod Video.

Won conveniently at this years 2007 Employee Recognition event hosted by Mercy Hospital. Quite the nice reward even considering all the hours I put into creating two DVD presentations for the show. Both of which seemed to work very well on the crowd if I do say so myself.

So yes, I am now a dirty unwashed apple loving hippie. Please feel free to mock me in the coming.

Oh and its black too!

I just didn’t think it would be like this…

This is NOT according to any plan.

I woke up Friday the 16th, disgusted with my body, repulsed by the status quo of life. It was clear, I must change it all starting today.

Oddly enough, my journey would not be one that I would travel alone. I would find another in the night, one who could would let me light my own darkness and not flee from what she saw.

The journey through my mind was more frightening that I had anticipated. Blocked memories bloomed which each tendril of thought. Ancient feelings resurfaced, things thought dead. I am… not who I thought I was.

My journey is not ended, nor will it ever. For as long as I do not fear myself, others can hold me in no fear.

I am grateful to my new friend, my mother and my wife who have all shown me the way during this time. Their unquestioning love nurtured me through the crucible.

I am human reborn.

Speaking of my employer… I got setup with a faux meeting the other day. I should have realized it too since it was set for 8am. A time my boss knows is next to inhuman to request from me. What actually happened that morning was a surprise visit from the CEO, the assembly of my whole department and the opening line… Daniel…

*HOLY CRAP* I thought, what did I do…

“You are the Mercy Hospital Employee of the Month!”, he delivered comfortably followed by a firm hand shake.

Wowsers! I didn’t see this coming and although the guilty part of me doesn’t feel like the employee of the month lately, I have done some herculean tasks in my tenor here so I won’t give back the title.

So now I have an amazing dedicated parking spot for this month, 100 extra bucks, free food coupons and various trinkets. Plus the recognition of my status which leads me to randomly proclaim things like…

“The EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH decrees that everyone must go home early today!”

“The EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH decrees that lunches have been extended to two hours!”

…and so forth.

Meanwhile, normal life continues and consists of…

• Playing way too much World of Warcraft
• Pruning my MST3k video collection
• Attempting to finish a side project for a customer that can procrastinate as much as I do.
• Did I mention World of Warcraft?

Well, in the short term I’ll be in Jury Duty playing Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories during the breaks if you need me.

Did anyone realize I was collecting money from hookers right under the bailiffs nose?

Katrina was surprising when it hit us in Miami. I remember standing outside at one point, marveling at the wind, rain and the misty shapes it created as it interacted with our screened patio. At one point, my admiration was tinged with fear as increasingly insistent guts strained the lightweight metallic screen frame. Parr was the first to recommend a hasty retreat which I was myself contemplating. Perhaps watching endless Rambo, James Bond and Conan movies would have kept me out there without her influence.

I’ve always considered myself a “wind” elemental. Parr, being the complementary person considers herself “water”. Each one is vital for life but only when they are together does life truly prosper. It’s not some earthen religion or new-age belief, just a wonderful imagery for my minds eye. I can easily see myself dressed in a Nordic theme on a wind swept cliff. The wind racing through my long beard as I stare longingly at my ocean lover below.

Hmm, speaking of… at some point I stopped changing my handle. Originally in the BBS days (remember modems kids? No! Not DSL!) I seemed to change my handle every week. Of the many names I remember, Spock, Captain Kirk, Spawn come to mind. While I still love Spock and Kirk I don’t think I could every associate with Spawn anymore. My teenage self didn’t even understand the comic that well, I just latched on to the anger of the character. Anger was something real, I could feel it, knew its cold burning touch.

Eventually I got sick of switching handles and thanks to my English teacher… Odn was chosen.

English class was dull for me. More often than not I would space out, letting my imagination wander free while my body slumped lower and lower into my plastic seat. Tiny cascades of pinpricks dotted my wanderings. A signal that my buttocks were about to fall asleep again. A lower slump would usually fix this until my chin was just above desk level. A quick reset to proper posture and then repeat the procedure. That is of course if I didn’t have something interesting to read like a Star Trek novel tucked into the voluminous pages of some spacious english tome.

The teacher caught me quite a few times but I don’t remember anything bad ever happening. I do remember her low cut undies which were always visible through her pants, the smell of coffee and gin (her favorite mixture) and the corresponding build up and break down sessions. You see, she thought I really wrote well. I mean, really well. She would go on and on about my potential which would inspire me to do my homework for once, turn it in and then get immediately reprimanded because what I had created was utter crap. In most cases, she was absolutely right. Part of it was due to laziness and another larger part was due to the distractions of my situation. Don’t worry, I won’t drag out all those issues in this post.

Anyway, one happy part of the english experience was reading beowulf and delving into nordic tales and religion. I was enamored with Norse religion. Here was a fantastic storyline of gods, demons, betrayal, love and most importantly… a sad ending. To me, the thought that it would all be for naught in the end made their existence all the more precious! Plus, the fact that they themselves knew of this fate but continued on anyway showed the strength of their resolve. For me, this was a recipe for life. I myself was going through many hardships with no end in sight. If it took some fictional gods (I was very aware of this fact) to bolster my failing morale then so be it!

My english teacher brought in a bag of runes inside a brown pouch one day. She explained that the casting of runes was used in the olden days to reveal your personality, the future, weather and really anything you could shake a few bones at. She wanted to reveal personalities that day and looked for a few volunteers. While feverently interested, my low self esteem did not let me raise my hand. The english teacher either by chance or shrewd intuition called me to be the third and final student to draw runes. Each person took three runes from the bag placed them on the teachers desk. In all cases but mine, the students quickly picked whatever three they could easily grab, slapped them on the table and went back to their seats. The teacher would transcribe the symbols onto the board, place all the runes back in the bag and call the next student.

When I arrived at the front of the class, my body was shaking slightly with fear. Being the center of attention, for however brief seemed to bring with it all sorts of physical and mental reactions of panic. I remember reaching inside the brown bag, feeling around, earnestly wanting the rune to be truly random. I grasped something that felt right to me and gingerly removed it from the bag. Just before putting it down I sheepishly asked if it was supposed to place the symbol in a certain direction. My teacher replied that I should place it in whatever fashion I thought was right. I carefully placed the first tile down, then repeated the procedure for the second and third and thankfully returned to my seat. The teacher transcribed my runes to the board along with the other two students and proceeded to explain what they meant.

I waited excitedly as she explained to the other students what their personalities were. I don’t remember the exact answers but most of the class seemed to laugh at the answers. When it came time for me I felt as if everything faded away, it was only me and the gypsy in a tent of a circus long forgotten, reading my fortune.

I remember smiling at first, big unabashed genuine smiling. Then more, then so much I felt my facials muscles protest from lack of use. My reading while random seemed to fit me so well. Whether it would be my true personality or the ideal I would strive for did not matter for I was…

The Peace Maker, the Protector and the Warrior. An order I felt most fitting to my style of behavior when faced with difficult situations. A style I still carry with me today and that I feel justifies my third trait. I will go out of my way to make peace, protect those around me but if pushed too far, will do anything to win. Luckily I have not had to go into Warrior mode for what seems like eons now but when I do think about it, I do not see any limits to the things I would do. Tis a scary part of my persona, an animal instinct slightly elevated by modern concepts but something powerful, secreted away that will help in a time of need. This is who I am, this is who I would become. The peace maker, the protector, the warrior, all part of me.

This got me thinking. Who was I? Who did I want to be? What was* my destiny? All these thoughts melded nicely into my understanding of the Norse stories. Of these, my favorite reoccurring character was Odin. I could see myself giving up an eye for knowledge, it was that important to me. So, my new permanent handle became Odin. Over the years I encountered others with this name and modified mine to the shorter Odn. Perfection ever since.

Now you know my origins and because of this have a bit more sway over me. Knowledge is what I have and continue to seek. The only difference between now and then is that now I want to share what I have learned with others.

Odn, like Odin, feels compelled to protect midgard. Each one has their own tactics of course.

* The word “was” seems the most appropriate because I do believe in destiny and since it will happen, has happened, will happen again…