One of my daily destinations is a guiding web page called New Life. A very simple design containing five key concepts integral to my new self. These are Sleep, Fancy Dresser, Grooming, Focus and Freedom.

Of all these, freedom, the most etherial has shown itself of late. For brief interludes yes but a perfumed breeze of moisture is far more than sufficient for a fremen. Invigorated and renewed I find it easy to continue the journey knowing that no matter what happens, I chose the right path.

Much of these feelings are thanks to my new freelancing lifestyle. I choose what I work on, who I work with and have no obligations as a provider until I choose to accept them. Thanks to careful selecting, everything I work on is a tremendous learning font. Each hand crafted creation empowering me with abilities needed for my lifetime goals. No effort wasted, a perfect journey!

When I was a child freedom meant my huffy bicycle. Now that I am older, more nuanced and most importantly, know myself, freedom is so much more. Still, a simple picture of open skies, a classic muscle car and an airport runway evoke everything I need to ascend into the feeling of freedom.

Freedom must be different for each individual but for me, I know what it is, I have tasted it and I will work for it. When it arrives, we’ll go for a drive together. Two old friends reunited at last and with no guilt for the past.

The open road calls. Won’t you join me?

Very much in my own personal style and flavoured with naval metaphors. Yum!

Letter of Resignation

This letter is official notice of my resignation. My last day will be July 26th, 2011.

I came to Mercy as part of an elite team of handpicked individuals under the leadership of the great Fernando Martinez. The goal, to turn Mercy around and become a shining beacon of the latest technology.  It worked too. We had virtual servers, full system encryption, intrusion protection and more years before anyone else. A golden age of tech.

Rough times were coming though. Economic hardships, budget cuts, management changes and other hardships. Fernando and the team saw that they would be forced to make compromises if they stayed so they rightly moved on to new projects and challenges outside of Mercy. A few of us stayed though. For very different reasons I’m sure.

For me, the mission wasn’t complete yet. I would be crafty, work harder than ever before,  use open source software and do everything in my power to keep Mercy cutting edge. It didn’t work out quite as planned. Information Systems lost people and resources while gaining more responsibility. Soon it was all that we could do but tend to a once beautiful ship, tossed and broken, lost in the high seas with no shore in sight.

Fast forward to today and the ship is docked in the kingdom of the HCA. She is being patched, has new crew and officers getting ready to sail to new lands.

My modified quest is now complete and I’m very proud of my time here. I’m especially fond of all the smart people I’ve worked, played and lived with. You shall be remembered.

Soon I shall be off to new Freelancing adventures and doing what I love the most. Working with technology and making people happy.

May the wind always be at your back and your crew by your side!

^_^

Daniel Gagan
PS – Fun fact, I was born on July 26th at Mercy, hired years later on the same day and now the circle will be complete as my last day will be that very special date.

I enjoy obsession. It heightens the experience, unlocks edge abilities and provides clarity of purpose. Like any state, it can be taken too far but with understanding it can be transformed from affliction to strength.

I started World of Warcraft in the beta, many years ago. Before that the strategy games and in one particular modem game even told my future wife I loved her for the first time. Warcraft as you see is very much a part of my history.

The game totally catered to my personality. Obsession with game mechanics, leveling, gearing up and endless side goals took their toll. With increasing focus came new levels of things to tweak, endless rewards for a brain that liked certain buttons pushed.

Even worse that the addiction to the game was the reliance on the game in order to socialize with my friends. It didn’t matter if I got bored of the game, how could I leave my friends? So I would stay a bit longer… maybe it would get better.

But it didn’t. My level of obsession meant overplaying and burning out. It happened many times. Enough that people would joke, “oh, when are you coming back” and “oh, when are you leaving again”.

The problem with “quitting” WoW was that I wasn’t. I was postponing, delaying and pausing. Like a reformed drunk who still keeps his liquor cabinet stocked, secured with the flimsiest of locks. Always there… waiting for that tiny moment of failure.

So after a time, I would feel good again. I could try World of Warcraft again but this time I’d be reasonable. Maybe only an hour a day.

A month later and I’d be raiding, grinding, dying in real life while my avatars gained everything. Seven to eight hours a day and more on the weekends. A horrible cycle I was deathly aware of yet powerless to break out of.

I’d improved so many aspect of my life. A tireless optimizer born from a dysfunctional past. Why couldn’t I break free of WoW? I had made such wonderful gains during my frequent excursions. I wanted to do more, so much more.

The revelation that followed was completely devastating.

After recovering from the initial concept everything became clear. A proper conclusion to WoW. The ending I never had before. Such a simple gesture would set me free.

Getting my virtual affairs in order was a calming. A wonderful time to reflect on all I had done. Soon after, I made sure everyone knew my plans. I would be deleting all my characters. I would not be coming back to World of Warcraft. Reactions were, as you might expect, mixed.

Some people were supportive, others baffled and a few were oddly quiet. I recognize the last state as a valid tactic for dealing with pain so no hard feelings.

It became an event. Come raid with Poof one last time. Come PvP with Foof to celebrate our time together. Come take a screenshot and say goodbye. It was a lovely time of talking, merriment and a celebration of adventures together.

Each one of my characters received their own special ending. Each one a part of my personality and deserving of their own finale. Screenshots of these moments bring me great joy when I reminisce.

Looking back no longer evokes a time wasted, it conjures pleasant memories, shared experiences and pride for all the people I met. So many things we did and so many good times we had.

Looking forward, my gaming experiences do not weaken like I had feared. In fact, they strengthen me.

When you see me coming, I could be Poof the Druid, Foof the Warrior, Old Snake, Commander Shepard or any number of personas that are part of me.

I am a hero, I always was and now that I know, I always will be.

Sincerely,

Poof · Foof · Soof · Daniel · Odn · Shepard · Spock · Sgt Dildo · ForestMist · Neptuna · Old Snake

One of the pleasures of maturing is an increased awareness of self.

Relaxation, meditation, life experience and even strenuous physical exercise all garner more understanding. Through them you’ll learn your strengths, weaknesses and core desires. After that, a calming sense of self which aids you in all your tasks.

Gains are usually incremental but occasionally something spectacular will happen.

Poof lay still, the springy couch pushing back up against his rather long body. His mind was drifting quite pleasurably, thoughts flowing fast, free and without judgement. An addictive state which he was well aware of enjoying.

The pace did seem to be accelerating though. “Ah, well“, he thought. The all consuming mental fire that could come next was also enjoyable even though it would leave him consumed and tired.

Something was wrong though and in a blinding flash… a revelation. Too clear to unsee, too simple to deny, all at once beautiful and abhorred.

“No!” he gasped as his torso shot up from the couch. He couldn’t breathe. Time seemed to drag on then after a short eternity…  a breath… then another.

Normality slowly, painfully returned as he spat “no” several more times. Each utterance with less venom than the last. It seemed to satiate him. A last act of rebellion against destiny revealed.

He knew that to have a chance, a real chance at life he would have to set in motion the unthinkable.

“Poof must die” he said with the gravitas of a thousand Sean Connerys.

Did cavemen listen to books on tape? Find out in the archives...

It’s taken some doing but all my content dating back to 2002 is now available.

Some of my most memorable moments below.

Personal

• Damn it feels good to be a programmer!
• Bzzap! Feel the Power!
• Happily Married!
• Prelude
• History of Odn
• Remember Me?
• ARGH
• Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Work

• So long and thanks for all the fish
• Waka Waka Waka
• Work Consumes…
• Due your Duty

I was saturated with requests but unlike previous years, there was no hope to catch up during typically quiet winter months. Working harder wasn’t the answer either. There is a certain unefficiency and dulling of the mind that comes with inhuman hours. No, the answer would be startlingly similar to a recipe from ”To Serve Man”: add more humans.

Unfortunatly there was a hiring freeze at the time. Volunteers woudln’t cut it either. No, I needed someone who could put in enough quality time to offset the allotment I would surely invest in them. Someone to toil over the horseshoes while I forged a mighty blade in the blazing heat and fierce colds of the server room. An apprentice!

The idea seemed like a perfect fit since I was already fielding web questions and assisting others with various side projects. Surely one of them would be suiteable and have a yearning for learning. So, I drafted a proclamation with an easy challenge and waitied with careful interest to see who would rise to this unique opportunity.

Two weeks later and nary a nibble.

I was ill prepared for the cornucopia of calamity which followed my failed squire search. Lay offs, forced days off , slashed budgets, added duties and more unbearables. This led to the great demoralization of the “survivors” which further shreded any vestigial feelings of hope I still harbored.

Quite some time has passed since the decumbent epoch. I am no longer demoralized, depressed or even depraved (unless it’s a real happening party). No, I’m resolute and proud of all I’ve accomplished. I’m even hopeful for the future again although I know my path lays with another company.

Somewhere out there is a group of free thinkers, hard workers and dress code violators. I hope to join them soon and together we’ll make wonderful websites.

Tingly!

Yes, I admit it… *cries* …I am the proud owner of an iPod Video.

Won conveniently at this years 2007 Employee Recognition event hosted by Mercy Hospital. Quite the nice reward even considering all the hours I put into creating two DVD presentations for the show. Both of which seemed to work very well on the crowd if I do say so myself.

So yes, I am now a dirty unwashed apple loving hippie. Please feel free to mock me in the coming.

Oh and its black too!

I just didn’t think it would be like this…

This is NOT according to any plan.

I woke up Friday the 16th, disgusted with my body, repulsed by the status quo of life. It was clear, I must change it all starting today.

Oddly enough, my journey would not be one that I would travel alone. I would find another in the night, one who could would let me light my own darkness and not flee from what she saw.

The journey through my mind was more frightening that I had anticipated. Blocked memories bloomed which each tendril of thought. Ancient feelings resurfaced, things thought dead. I am… not who I thought I was.

My journey is not ended, nor will it ever. For as long as I do not fear myself, others can hold me in no fear.

I am grateful to my new friend, my mother and my wife who have all shown me the way during this time. Their unquestioning love nurtured me through the crucible.

I am human reborn.