One of the pleasures of maturing is an increased awareness of self.

Relaxation, meditation, life experience and even strenuous physical exercise all garner more understanding. Through them you’ll learn your strengths, weaknesses and core desires. After that, a calming sense of self which aids you in all your tasks.

Gains are usually incremental but occasionally something spectacular will happen.

Poof lay still, the springy couch pushing back up against his rather long body. His mind was drifting quite pleasurably, thoughts flowing fast, free and without judgement. An addictive state which he was well aware of enjoying.

The pace did seem to be accelerating though. “Ah, well“, he thought. The all consuming mental fire that could come next was also enjoyable even though it would leave him consumed and tired.

Something was wrong though and in a blinding flash… a revelation. Too clear to unsee, too simple to deny, all at once beautiful and abhorred.

“No!” he gasped as his torso shot up from the couch. He couldn’t breathe. Time seemed to drag on then after a short eternity…  a breath… then another.

Normality slowly, painfully returned as he spat “no” several more times. Each utterance with less venom than the last. It seemed to satiate him. A last act of rebellion against destiny revealed.

He knew that to have a chance, a real chance at life he would have to set in motion the unthinkable.

“Poof must die” he said with the gravitas of a thousand Sean Connerys.

I’ve been pretty busy and productive in the last few months. New rental condo, furniture procurement, learning new tech, spending more time with family and very recently, purchasing a new (used) car.

Now that things are more in order I find I am able to choose were to spend my time. Frequently this involves thinking about previous initiatives that were placed on hold since they were not crucial either my wife or myself.

One such goal was to peruse all the free videos from last year’s Future of Web Apps – London 2008 conference.

Of all the London talks, I found the following to be the most useful.

• The Fear Factor by Tim Bray
• Technology & Psychology by Suw Charman-Anderson
• Future Mobile by Stefan Fountain (I recommend skipping the self advertising in the middle unless you really like Knight Rider)
• How to grow and nurture your community by Kathy Sierra
• How to build a desktop app from your web app by Jeremy Baines

I truly appreciate Carsonified for posting these materials. I am also proud to say I will be attending their upcoming FOWA Miami event on February 24th as a paying customer.

I never would have thought this when I was a kid but I actually enjoy cleaning and organizing things.

Like today for instance, it hit me. I woke up at 10:30am, groggy with the mists of dream reality still draped over my shoulders and what is my first thought? Hmm I’m hungry…. ok second thought…watch TV… ok so 30 minutes later… clean room! Yes, there you have it folks. Even after another extremely busy work week, a seven hour Friday night RavenShield marathon, an eight hour Saturday MCSE class followed by trackball and grocery shopping, I somehow, once again, managed to dedicate my Sunday to cleaning up.

Reality check, what the hell is wrong with me?! Shouldn’t I be playing video games, exploring my Mindstorms collection or be doing something more recreational? No, I want to clean my room and organize my junk and categorize my computer files and update my Money program and, and, and…

Somehow it gives me great pleasure to do all this. I feel the cosmic balance is in check after a day of organizing. Maybe it’s the anal retentive part of me but I find this activity to be mentally soothing. I wonder if this is how a 50′s housewife felt?

I dunno, somewhere I channeled my bad micro obsession (I used to hex edit dates on files, that’s how bad it was) into a more realistic and not so ritualistic general life strategy. It’s weird to think about your current self and why you’ve adapted to be what you are.

Try to think of something your doing now that’s alien to a younger version of yourself. While it’s not always easy to be self aware, you’ll find that the more in touch with yourself the easier it is to be close to other people.

/end weekend delirium rant